My goal for my blog is to always be 100% honest and transparent with everyone. As much as I want to put mental illness in a positive light, in order to do so, I must also show my struggles. I have to let others know that I understand, to some extent, their struggles. Without doing so, I can’t show that it gets better, it’s manageable, and it doesn’t have to define your life. I also want to educate friends, spouses, and families of those struggling with a mental illness, and thank them for sticking by that person.
So, I decided that my first real post about mental health be one that gives everyone a glimpse of what it’s like to live everyday with a serious mental illness, without sugar-coating the bad days or only highlighting the good days. I’ll tell you my story in hopes it will help you see that it does get better. It’s important to realize that “better” is difference for everyone. For me, “better” is going a week without a panic attack, it’s waking up and getting out of bed 98% of the time, it’s feeling like I’m stable and in control of my life.
So, now that I’ve given the longest intro ever and you’re probably wishing you had popcorn (go get some, seriously), here are some truths and about my journey with bipolar disorder and how I’ve handled the hard parts:
When I go to bed at night I don’t know if I’ll make it out of bed the next morning
This is probably the scariest struggle I face on a day-to-day basis. Truthfully, I don’t know if I’ll wake up and have a good or bad day. When I have a good day, I almost don’t want to go to sleep because I’m afraid that I won’t be able to get out of bed the next day. When I have a bad day I want to sleep until I wake up on a good day.
The bright side: I am happy to tell you, that due to the right medication regime, a good personal support system and an incredible psychiatrist and therapist, my good days far outweigh the bad days. No matter how bad it seems (and trust me, I’ve been there many times), it gets better if you have faith in yourself and
work hard. You have to be strong, because we are some of the strongest people in the world.
I’ve always struggled with more anxiety and depressive episodes than manic episodes.
Every person with bipolar disorder has a different struggle. Some experience more manic episodes, some experience an equal amount of both, and some, like me, experience more depressive episodes. For me, though, it’s not just the depressive episodes, it’s intense anxiety, all the time. In fact, I can’t remember a day where I didn’t feel anxious or have a short episode of depression. This doesn’t mean every day is bad, I just have bad periods on a good day.
The bright side: My therapist has taught me amazing coping skills which have allowed me to snap out of those bad moments fairly quickly without taking anxiety medication in that moment. It won’t happen right away, but you will be able to do this if you truly want to improve your quality of life.
I experience periods of uncontrollable heightened emotions
I can be fine, I can be incredibly happy, stable, and in a great mood, and suddenly… bam… Something is said, something happens, something stops me dead in my tracks and a switch is flipped. It gives another meaning to “mood swing”. The amount of emotion I feel is over-whelming, I don’t like it, I can’t deal with it. There’s only ever one of two outcomes:
I lash out at you. I can see the look on your face, I know what I’ve just said or done, I know I could have handled it in a better way, only, I don’t know how and I can’t calm down. I can’t stop the anxiety in my chest, I can’t stop the crying, I can’t pull myself together.
or
I shut down. It’s like my emotional switch has been turned off and suddenly you’re staring at an emotionless, blank person. I don’t smile, because my lips won’t move. I can’t respond, because words won’t come out. I don’t react, because I don’t notice you; not your touch, not your words, not anything. My mind and my heart, they’re racing. I can’t pinpoint one thought. Instead, it’s 100 different thoughts running through my brain at the exact same time.
As frustrating as this is for you, it’s ten times more frustrating for me.
The bright side:Dialectical behavioural therapy has helped me regulate my emotions more efficiently. As terrifying as it is to admit what I’ve done in the past, I no longer resort to self harm to get release from my emotions. I am still learning and working hard at controlling my emotions, but if you are determined enough, you can do it.
Suicidal and negative thoughts will always be a part of my life.
This doesn’t mean I will follow through with it or think my life isn’t worth living. I am confident when I say I will never go to that extreme. However, in periods of intense anxiety or depression, thoughts enter my head out of nowhere and I can’t control them. What I can do, is not believe them. Not believe “I’m not good enough”, “people would be better without me”, “I can’t do this anymore” “I want the pain to go away for good”.
The bright side: Therapy has helped me deal with those thoughts in such a way that when they come, I acknowledge them, and let them go. Letting them go feels freeing, they no longer have control over my life. They no longer cripple me, because I am stronger than those thoughts.
Sometimes I lose the ability to make rational decisions.
One of the big trademarks of bipolar disorder is impulsivity. You know those products in the check-out lane at Sephora? You know how you always end up adding one thing to your purchase? That, my friend, is an impulse purchase. Now, imagine that impulsivity but multiply it ten fold. When I am impulsive, I am not buying small things in the check-out lines, I am recklessly impulsive. I am not rational. I need something and I need it now. There’s no thought behind it, I don’t contemplate the consequences, I don’t think at all.
The bright side: I was never really sexually impulsive or hypersexual, which I thank God for. My reckless shopping sprees have stopped and so have most of my impulsive tendencies. Most of the time I’m able to make rational decisions. I’m not perfect, I definitely still struggle with this, but what’s important is that I have some handle on it.
I wouldn’t change who I am
With all of the above being said, if I was given a chance to go back in life and end up without bipolar disorder, I wouldn’t do it. You see, though some people will not understand this, but I love who I am and bipolar is a part of me. It doesn’t define me, and it doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with me. It has allowed me to feel more empathy than most people, making me kind and understanding to people going through a hard time. It has made me strong. I know that, no matter what I face, I am strong enough to make it through. It has made me creative, happy, hard working, and motivated.
Most importantly, though, it’s made me who I am, and who I am is who I want to be.