Welcome, welcome.
My name is Alyssa. I was born on October 13th, 1990. I live in Ottawa, Canada. I have blonde hair and green eyes. I'm 5'3" and weigh approximately 115 lbs. I'm athletic, smart, sassy and mildly funny (mostly only by accident). I don't eat meat and I live off coffee, wine, and carbs. I enjoy photography, reading, writing, music, cars, and binge watching netflix (who doesn't, though).
Oh, and I have bipolar disorder.
Don't forget about the anxiety.
Sorry, yes, I also have generalized anxiety disorder. Like my brain would ever let me forget that (eye roll emoticon).
Nice to meet you.
When I was 19, I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, following that, in May of 2013 I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. At 22 years old, I was told that I would have to deal with this for the remainder of my life. My world came crashing down around me. I felt embarrassed and ashamed. I didn’t want people to know, not even my own family. I didn’t understand why I was chosen to have this disorder. I was angry, confused, and felt incredibly alone. At the same time, though, I felt relieved. Relieved that it wasn’t all just in my head, that I would finally be getting the help I knew I needed but didn’t want to admit that I did.
I have struggled quietly with anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember. However, when I was younger, mental illnesses were still highly stigmatized. So, to avoid being labelled as “crazy” going through my teenage years, I simply dealt with it on my own… hoping it was just a phase and that it would pass.
It didn’t pass. It got worse.
Some weeks I barely slept, my brain wouldn’t stop, I needed to do everything now. I had to get A’s on all my exams, absolutely no exceptions. I had to get up at 5am-6am to to get to the gym every day, and I had to finish a certain part of my thesis before I went to bed. Once in bed, I tossed and turned, my brain spinning and spinning, anxiously thinking about all the things I needed to do, and all the things that could go wrong. I was incredibly and recklessly impulsive and I took risks I never usually would. When I talked, people would stare at me wondering how much caffeine I had had that day… but I hadn’t had a single drop of coffee.
Some weeks, all I did was sleep. Getting up to go to school was a task, going to work seemed impossible, and showering seemed to take up all of my energy. I didn’t want to talk to anyone or to be around people, not even my family, my closest friends and teammates. I either felt everything, or I felt nothing. I had no motivation, no drive, and no faith. My brain kept telling me that I wasn’t good enough, and I believed it.
On top of bipolar episodes, I deal with anxiety on a daily basis. For those of you who don’t understand generalized anxiety disorder, let me explain. When you think of anxiety, the first thing that probably comes to your mind is social anxiety, which is when someone has an intense fear of social situations, normally due to anxiety over being embarrassed or judged negatively by others. Generalized anxiety is not attached to anything, I worry excessively about everyday things. Minor concerns cause me intense anxiety, to the point where it disrupts my everyday life: such as sleep, social interactions, work, and relationships.
My goal with the mental health section of my blog is to bring a better awareness of what it’s like to live with a mental illness, help people going through similar situations, and let people know that it does get better. I try to take a lighter approach to topics, letting my personality come through; however, some topics I cannot “lighten up”. Therefore, I decided to add other sections to the blog so I can incorporate things I’m passionate about. You can read a post on mental health, and then switch over to another topic that’s more fun and light-hearted.
I hope you enjoy my blog!
Alyssa Madeleine